Why do we lose your way? And why can’t we find our way back when we want to?
I lost my way with God and now I want to go back to where I left Him but its so difficult. SO many things on the way that distract me from my destination. What if when I do finally get to the place He is no longer there?
I want to give my life away for Him but why do I have to slip and fall every time? He is my life line and staying away from him makes me go weak. Kills me a little everyday. He is my oxygen and one can’t live without oxygen for long. Suffocation. That’s what I feel. My life is slipping away every moment I stay away from Him. I want to go to place where there is only God and me. that would be a mountain top experience.
But I’ve had my fair share of mountain top experience. And I know that He lets it happen so that when we go down to the valley we will know He is with us. And just waiting for us to call out for help. I know He would come running if I call out to him. But I feel so inadequate somehow to call out to Him. He shouldn’t have to come and pick me up after all my falls.
I want to enter into a day where I don’t fall over all the time. Where I do what He asks me do without questioning Him. But that looks FAR FAR away.
Is it normal to feel so lost? When you know where you have to go but your feet just don’t move? My spiritual life seems dry. Like the fire is just dying one day at a time. I feel like God is drifting away from me. Thant He is not there in the center of my life anymore. ,
Honestly, I don’t even know what I am feeling. All I know is I am not my normal self. Not the girl who gave God the first place and life seems so hard. I feel alone though I know I am not. I hear Him calling out my name but I can’t seem to just stay still and listen to Him. It’s so hard isn’t it? To stay still and know that He is God. That He is control and that He loves me.
He feels so far away that I can’t even write well. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense but if it does then please pray for me. I don’t want to lose the best thing that happened to me. I don’t want to.
I don’t know if this happens with everyone or if it is just me but I find it so hard to give up the small things. You know things like the TV or the Phone or something that seems so insignificant? But what seems insignificant to me is most of the time very significant to God.
During my vacations, I started reading a lot of books and I mean a LOT! I finished one book in a day and took up another one the next day. Naturally, God was not my priority at that time. And because of that I had such a hard time fighting off temptation. And a day came where I was so frustrated because of all the failure that I got down on my knees and cried. I had no words, only groans! And that’s when God told me that I have to give up reading. And this how the conversation went:
God: “Baby, you need to stop reading……”
Me: “Oh! Okay, I can cut down my reading time and finish a book in two day. I am okay with that.”
God: “No, I want you to stop reading. Stop. Don’t touch any book other than the Bible. Don’t even read any biblical books.”
Me: “But what will I do all day! Are you sure this is what you want?”
And yeah well, its safe to say I didn’t listen to Him. But that didn’t mean that every time I picked up a book I wasn’t reminded that I am not supposed to be reading. And after the frustrations of a few weeks I finally gave up and did what He asked me to do. And the good news is that today I am allowed to read but in moderation and now I never find myself wanting to read an entire book at once.
But that is not what this post is about. It is about giving up a T.V. program. Small isn’t it? as in SMALL? And you know what, that is what makes it even difficult. That smallness. Oh, trust me I want to give it up because that will make Him happy. But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to give that small pleasure up either. And come to thin of it, God told me to let go of it when I gave this “IT” more importance that THE God! It started as a very innocent thing. I was bored one afternoon and thought let’s go check what fans have to say about this sitcom. And then I was hooked! From the moment I wake up till the time I sleep I thought about it. And it made me feel pathetic!
I am still having a fight about it. About the small thing. And honestly? I don’t know what to do. Have you ever been through this? Do you know what I can do?