This is very hard for me to write but I’ll try. But before I write anything further I want everyone who reads this to know that I am not writing this to gain your pity or your sympathy. This is only to glorify God and his healing work in my life. There is no other purpose other than that.
I don’t remember when it all started but I do know that I was a very small kid, maybe 4 or 5, because it stopped when I was 11. Everything happened in my village. Every year I’d go during summers for a few months. My brother was the one who did those things to me. I know I have suppressed memories and I really don’t want to remember them. We played “Married”. I didn’t even know what that word meant.
He would kiss me and touch me places that no one should, except a husband. We were both left alone for hours in a room all alone. We were supposed to sleep, but that never happened. He would never let me sleep. He would never let me be at peace. I was so small I had no idea what was going on, didn’t even know whom to tell. Who would believe a child who is not more than 4 or 5 years old?
He didn’t leave me alone even when there was a dead person at their place. He did everything to me. But God would never let Him have sex with me. Most times he would fall asleep and many times someone would come over to where we were. For 13 long years I thought that I deserved what was happening. I felt like a prostitute. Even when we were not in my village I would feel sick of myself.
I tried so hard to find my worth in my mom, in my school, in my friends. But I never did. I was always the hopeless and worthless child or student. I had absolutely no self-confidence. Because of my brother I was pushed into a world so dark and terrifying I sometimes still fight with the darkness. He arose things in me that I was not ready to handle at such young age. And I lived each day pretending that everything was beautiful in my life when I was battling against a force so strong I could hardly breathe. All I knew is that I was falling in the darkness and I could see no end.
And then we moved to a different city and God started working. For the first year I fell into darkness even faster. But then in my desperation God stepped in and shined His light into the darkness. And I could see His hand outstretched to for me to hold on to. And I did, I was desperate to get out of that place I did. And I have never fallen back into that darkness again! Yes I fall but not into that dark endless pit. Never into that pit.
Just a few months back God asked me to forgive my brother and I can tell you that was so hard. I wanted to hold onto that grudge. I thought that if I forgive him, he’ll just walk away without being punished. But god told me he will avenge me. That he will not let my brother walk without being punished. But He wanted me to forgive that brother so that II could move on in life, and I did.
I am free today, free enough to pray about that brother. To pray that if God would want me to then I’ll go back to that place and minister to him. Show him the way to the light and the truth. To show him the way to the Healer. To that God who will take you in with loving arms no matter what you have done.